I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
my liver is dry heaving
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
