I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
