A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
