sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
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My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
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Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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