is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
