i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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