i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
