my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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