no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
