My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
