Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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