Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Dignity is for republicans.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
