I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
