You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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