Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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