I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Too much gin, very little bucket
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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