I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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