the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
