i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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