Just fell off a train. Bad.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
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I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
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This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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