glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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