she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
