we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
