i don't plan on having that self control this summer
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
