he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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