"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
