it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
