Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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