god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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