you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
