i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!