Can i not drive my cunt home
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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