I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
