she was so not down for the gang bang
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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