a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just gargled with NyQuil
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