i just sent this text using only my big toe
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize