i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
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We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
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THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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