Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Randomize
