Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
