so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
