I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
