Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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