yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
