Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
