hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
