My nipple is on Facebook.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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