my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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