I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
