the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
