I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
