I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
