I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
