Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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