I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
