Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
