Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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