I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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