you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
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Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
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You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The Olympian is in my bed
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