She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
