Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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