I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
