that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
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It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
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I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
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