I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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